My Pronouns!

My name is Eva Markham and I use she/her and they/them pronouns. I exist on the sheerest surface of queer complexity and I am not writing today to be revolutionary or profound. I am not writing to speak on behalf of any community. But for my sake, and particularly for those who already know me but may not be aware of this component of my identity, I wanted to take the opportunity to talk about my gender identity (like I know sh*t, HA).

I am more than aware that gender identity is incredibly complex and personal. The ideas and opinions that I explore below are not connected to judgment or criticism for anyone who might live, act, believe differently than I do, and more importantly, I am entirely fluid in what I know and believe. I am still just barely beginning to learn what gender identity may mean for myself, and the larger community, and I am always open to changing my mind or adapting my beliefs. Thank you for reading <3.

My name is Eva Markham and I use she/her and they/them pronouns. Despite everything that comes with it, I do identify intensely with my femininity, and my existence as a woman. And still, it is not because, or in spite of that that I feel seen and empowered when people refer to me with nonbinary pronouns.

On the ground, nonbinary pronouns don’t seem much less categorical than binary ones—in many instances, I have observed nonbinary identification devolve into another finite identity unto itself rather than an indefinite alternative to the rigid binary of M/F gender identity. This confined ‘third option’ is not what I mean when I consider the value and importance of nonbinary gender identity. But it’s true nonetheless that I feel confined by the feminine pronouns I have always lived with. Nonbinary pronouns alone do not define who I am—I do not expect one pronoun to do what the first could not—but they help to disrupt and expand my presented ME-ness as far as those external to me understand it. And disrupting the binary, the norm, is not just an external mission. As I have taken more time to settle into nonbinary self-identification, I’ve laid my hands on a more palpable lens through which to understand myself, particularly pieces of myself that were more obscured and disconcerting when I only had the ‘F’ through which to view/experience them. It feels like finally wrapping my fingers around a good jug after grasping helplessly at a smooth and taunting sloper (yea, I’ve bouldered a couple times, how could you tell?). I feel a bit more in control and a bit more clicked into place.

I don’t feel that I need nonbinary pronouns in order to exist or be recognized as the full person that I am, but they are deeply (if inexplicably) impactful for me, and they can provide a helpful shortcut at times…

The word shortcut really makes me think, though, because it suggests something that should take you to a particular destination. As I have mentioned, I take issue with the formation of a new category of personhood born out of the very thing meant to reject categorization. It is counterproductive to use nonbinary pronouns as the signifier of a new type of person, a new gender. Non binary means not binary, not gendered. I hope that they/them pronouns can be understood as an asterisk or a question mark encouraging someone to look further, rather than acting as a marker of a new category (or gender) of person.

Nonbinary pronouns are in many ways only a short term band-aid of a solution. Ultimately, we shouldn’t take any gender identification as a shortcut to categorize and understand an individual. Everybody deserves to be received as a complex person who cannot be summed up into one identifying factor. At the moment, however, nonbinary pronouns offer a disruption to the mindlessness of a heterosexual binary baseline.

I tried to write in words what exactly it is that this “helpful shortcut” does for me, how it guides others to perceive me, but I was at a loss. Perhaps this is something I am still coming to understand; perhaps I will never be able to identify or articulate it. But I feel that somehow I am helping someone to know me better when I share my gender identification with them. And even if I don’t know why, I know that I feel good being referred to accordingly.

It does feel good when people use those nonbinary pronouns for me, but I also will not be hurt if they don’t—for me, it is not the ultimate decider of who I am, and I am not made less of a person when someone neglects that component of my identity (though for many people this is the case, so please don’t take this as an excuse to disrespect another person). I am not in a social position that necessitates others validating my identity; I am comfortable enough, and still within the norm majority enough, that I can go with or without that social affirmation. That being said, my name is Eva Markham and I use she/her and they/them pronouns.

Peace, love, grace, thank you for reading.

eva